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  • Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
    - Rita Rudner

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  • No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
    - Aristotle

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  • Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
    - Author Unknown

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  • Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
    - Winston Churchill

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  • Never give a sucker an even break.
    - W. C. Fields

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  • Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
    - David Brent

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  • My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
    - Jack Benny

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  • My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
    - Les Dawson

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  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
    - Jimmy Durante

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  • My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
    - Winston Churchill

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  • My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
    - Woody Allen

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  • My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
    - Woody Allen

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  • My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.
    - Saddam Hussein (To US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit.)

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  • My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
    - Groucho Marx

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  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    - Ed Furgol

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  • My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
    - Ronald Reagan (US president during radio microphone test.)

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  • My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.
    - Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (On US soldiers attacking Baghdad.)

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  • My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
    - Spike Milligan

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  • My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.
    - Woody Allen

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  • Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.
    - Oprah Winfrey

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