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  • If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.
    - Robert Lowell

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  • The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.
    - Voltaire

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  • The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
    - Groucho Marx

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  • The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
    - William Shakespeare

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  • The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
    - Woody Allen

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  • The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden…It ends with Revelations.
    - Oscar Wilde

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  • The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
    - Brendan Behan

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  • The best way to behave is to misbehave.
    - Mae West

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  • The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman.
    - Jonathan Swift

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  • The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted all the alternatives.
    - Winston Churchill

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  • that's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.
    - Sean O'Casey

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  • That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
    - Woody Allen

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  • Thank God i'm an atheist.
    - Luis Bunuel

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  • Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
    - Homer Simpson

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  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
    - Mark Twain

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  • Stop thinking, and end your problems.
    - Lao Tzu

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  • Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
    - Homer Simpson

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  • Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
    - W. C. Fields

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  • Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
    - W. C. Fields

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  • Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
    - Bill Shankly

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