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  • When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
    - Helen Rowland

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  • When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.
    - Helen Rowland

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  • When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
    - Winston Churchill

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  • When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
    - Charles Caleb Colton

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  • When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. that's relativity.
    - Albert Einstein

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  • When women go wrong, men go right after them.
    - Mae West

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  • When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.
    - Richard Nixon

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  • When i'm good, i'm very, very good, but when i'm bad, i'm better.
    - Mae West

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  • When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.
    - Oscar Wilde

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  • When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
    - Woody Allen

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  • When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.
    - Author Unknown (Attributed to Mark Twain, but not found in his works.)

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  • When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
    - J. P. Donleavy (In The Ginger Man.)

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  • When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
    - Brendan Behan

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  • When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
    - David Brent

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  • What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
    - Henny Youngman

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  • What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
    - Mark Twain

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  • What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
    - Mark Twain

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  • What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
    - Woody Allen

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  • What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
    - Woody Allen

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  • What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
    - David Brent

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