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  • I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    - Bob Hope

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  • I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me.
    - Duke of Wellington

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  • I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
    - Woody Allen

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  • I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
    - Woody Allen

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  • I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
    - Joan Rivers

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  • I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
    - Noel Coward

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  • I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
    - W.C. Fields

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  • I am at two with nature.
    - Woody Allen

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  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor

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  • I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
    - Mae West

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  • I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
    - Charles Lamb

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  • How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
    - Woody Allen

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  • Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
    - George Bernard Shaw

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  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
    - Mae West

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  • His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
    - Woody Allen

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  • He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
    - Mae West

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  • He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
    - Mae West

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  • Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
    - Homer Simpson

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  • Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
    - George Bernard Shaw

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  • He who hesitates is last.
    - Mae West

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