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  • It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
    - George Burns

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  • It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
    - Oscar Wilde

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  • It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
    - Oscar Wilde

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  • It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
    - George Bernard Shaw

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  • It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
    - Woody Allen

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  • It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
    - Jerome K. Jerome

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  • Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
    - Spike Milligan

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  • Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
    - Mae West

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  • Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
    - Woody Allen

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  • Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
    - Woody Allen

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  • Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
    - Woody Allen

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  • Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
    - Will Rogers

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  • In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
    - Oscar Wilde

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  • In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
    - Woody Allen

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  • In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
    - Woody Allen

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  • In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
    - George Best

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  • I'm tired, send one of them home.
    - Mae West (When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.)

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  • I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
    - Woody Allen

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  • I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!
    - Homer Simpson

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  • I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
    - Woody Allen

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