Jokes | Random joke
-
Advantages of breast milk
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary.Ummm... So far so good... maybe... But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.
-
American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex."Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers."Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused."Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him."I take it you now drink Guinness?"asked the doctor."Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
-
The new manager
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk,
finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first" and the other three
are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:
"These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency,
please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope
two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing
money fast.
After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes.
So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for
everything".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end.
His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the
second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once
again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to
the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".
-
Women - Ways To Drive Men Crazy!
50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.
-
The Merry Men
There were 3 gay guys in a plane and they were on there way to
gay day at disney when suddenly to there astonishment the plane
engine exploded. the captain came out and took the only
parachute and jumped out of the plane.So being stupid as they
were they decided to jump they all jumped out. the first gay guy
landed in a lake it took them 2 days to find him. the second guy
landed on the road it took them 1 week to scrap him off the
highway. But, the third man landed buttfirst onto a big pole and
it took 2 years to get the smile off his face.
-
Second Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.""Uh huh," said the old man."We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman."Uh huh," said the old man."And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman."That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
-
No Rejects
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
Concerned about her friend's welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
-
Santa Please Dont Go!
A older girl was waiting for santa to come.When he slid down the chimney and buiseid himself with work.Before he left she stood up and said "Oh santa Please dont go!" santa looked araound and said "Sorry miss but I have to." at this the girl took off her shirt and said "Santa please dont go." santa blinked but still wouldnt stay.She took off her pants.Still he said "I have to go." she took off her bra "Say you will stay santa!" he shook his head and turned to leave.At one last otempt she took of her underwear and said seductivly "Oh santa...Pleaseeee dont go!" santa turned around and his jaw droped."Ah well I guess ill stay...I cant go up the chimney with my cock this way!"
-
Wrong Breasts
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts.
He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
-
Bush & the Blackboard
George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked
the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and
the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."
Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when
they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on
it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?
The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.
"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If
fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"
The boys stand up and read what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The
President is we tall did."
-
Trip to Asia
"My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here
because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the
great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era
of peace in the Pacific." �George W. Bush, who apparently forgot about a little
something called World War II, Tokyo, and Feb. 18, 2002
-
Gone to Sleep
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
-
Camels ass
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.
The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies?
"Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
-
Bad Dog, Put Fluffy
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
-
THE WEARY HOUSEWIFE
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her
ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"
"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able
to get out of the house to shop, and I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling
around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two
couples over for dinner tonight."
"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over
in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for
you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know
who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office
and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your husband, dear."
"Mom, I don't have a husband."
"Is this 234-5678?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused.
"Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"
You can browse images:
You can browse videos:
