Jokes | Random joke
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Un matrimonio fue invitado a
Un matrimonio fue invitado a una fiesta de m�scaras y disfraces. A ella le dol�a much�simo la cabeza y le pide al marido que se vaya solo.
�l protest�, pero ella le dijo que se iba a tomar una aspirina e irse a la cama, por lo que no hab�a necesidad de que �l se quedara en la casa. As� que el marido se puso el disfraz y se fue.
La mujer, despu�s de dormir una hora, se despert� bien, sin dolor. Como era temprano decidi� ir a la fiesta. Y como el marido no sab�a cu�l era su disfraz, ella pens� que ser�a divertido observar como actuaba �l cuando estaba solo.
Ella lleg� a la fiesta y enseguida vio al marido bailando en la pista con cada chica con la que se cruzaba, tocando un poco por ac� y tirando besitos por all�. La esposa se le acerc� y empez� a seducirlo. �l dej� a la mujer con la que estaba y se dedic� a la reci�n llegada. Ella lo dej� avanzar todo lo que �l quisiera: finalmente era su marido.
En un momento, �l le susurr� una proposici�n en el o�do y ella acept�.
Salieron de la fiesta y en uno de los autos tuvieron sexo. A medianoche, antes de desenmascararse, la se�ora se escabull�, fue a su casa, se quit� el disfraz y se meti� en la cama, pregunt�ndose qu� clase de explicaci�n le iba a dar el marido.
Cuando �l entr�, ella estaba sentada en la cama, leyendo.
"�C�mo te fue?", le pregunt�.
"Bueno, lo de siempre", dijo �l. "Ya sabes que no la paso bien cuando no estoy contigo".
"�Bailaste mucho?"
"Ni una sola pieza. Cuando llegu�, me encontr� con Pedro, Guillermo y otros muchachos, as� que nos fuimos a la planta alta y jugamos p�ker toda la noche. �Lo que no me vas a poder creer es lo que le pas� al tipo al que le prest� mi disfraz!"
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Lending A Hand
Lending A Hand
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,
The first girl said"Whatshould I do? The
guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do
anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can't."
Her friendsaid,"Why can'tyou ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he's using
myhand!"
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A witness to an automobile accident
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did
you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the
jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and
measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
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12-inch pianist
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall
playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and
the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a
wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke
fills the room and when the smoke clears there
are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
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Bad riddles (but somehow funny)
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to SantaDid you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, 'Daddy, I want a new apartment.'What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? 'Dam'.What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologistWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an 'A' bra.What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. ....and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
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Butt Doctor
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
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Great lines from job evaluations!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won�t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn�t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He�s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It�s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.
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english, irishman, scotsman joke
There was an englishman irishman and a scotsman who worked on a buildin site.
it was time for their dinner so the englishman opened his bait box and said "if i get cheese sandwiches tommorrow i will throw myself off that bridge" the scotsman and irishman say the same
so the next day comes and the englishman has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge
the scotsman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge and the irishman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge
at the funeral the wives meet up and the englishmans wife says "i could of just made him another kind of sandwich" the scotsmans wife says i would of got another kind of cheese" the irishmans wife says i do not know why he jumped he made his own sandwiches.
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Spice Girl Jokes
Mel C. walked into a bar with a pig tied to a piece of string.
"Where the hell did you pick that dirty thing up?" asked the
publican. "Won it in a raffle." said the pig.
Q: What's the difference between a spice girl and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you?
A: Take out the pin and throw it back
Q: What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel?
A: An airbag
Q. Why are jokes about Spice Girls so short?
A. So that the girls themselves understand them!
Q. How do you make the Spice Girls laugh on Friday?
A. Tell them a joke on Tuesday!
Q. What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a
UFO?
A. Dunno - never seen either!
Q: Why do the Spice Girls smile when there is lightning out?
A: They think they are getting their photo taken
Q: A blond and the Spice Girls jumped off the Empire State
building. Who landed first?
A: The blond. The Spice Girls had to stop and ask directions!
I don't want to say the Spice Girls are stupid, but they think
"menopause" is a button on a VCR.
One day a spice girl went into the hairdresser and asked for a
haircut. She was listening to a walkman. When the hairdresser
went to take it off she cried out "no no no! Leave it on! Just
cut around it!", so he did. 6 weeks later the same thing
happened again...the hairdresser tried to take the headphones
off, but the spice girl asked him to cut around it. This
happened again, and again until one day when the hairdresser was
cutting the Spice Girl's hair when she keeled over dead. He
noticed he had accidentally knocked the headphones off. He
picked them up and pressed play. He heard "Breathe in...breathe
out...breathe in...breathe out"
Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw in cars.
Q: What's the difference between the Spice Girls and a hockey
team?
A: Hockey teams bathe after three periods
Q: Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why don't Spice Girls eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How do you know when a Spice Girl has been making choc. chip
cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What does a Spice Girl and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why did Mel B. get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
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Fishing With Baby Sister
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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