Jokes | Random joke
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blondes and computer
How do you know that a blonde was using the computer?there is white out on the screenHow do you know that another blonde was using that computer?there is writing over the white outHow do you know that a third blonde was using the computer?the joystick is wet
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2 drunks bar hopping
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow Me." said
the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll
go into a bar and order drinks, and when the
Bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop
to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars�.
The first man stands up and unzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees
and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots�, screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender
asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and
The second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so
well, my knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad�, the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4
bars ago!"
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Camouflage training
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk makes a sudden move and is spotted by the general.
�You simpleton!� the officer barks. �Don�t you know that by jumping the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?�
�Yes, sir,� the soldier answers. �But, if I may say so, I stood still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice, and I never moved an inch when a dog peed on my trunk.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants and I heard one say, �Let�s eat one now and save the other till winter,� that did it!�
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by yisman
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Famous Mothers
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" And finally....THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
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Pat him first
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend.
The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls.
The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that."
The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pat him a little bit first."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
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Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon''. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. ''Really?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' ''Don't I know!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. ''She was difficult?'' asked Mrs. Smith. ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. ''Yes'', the photographer said. ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?'' ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!''
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Puppy Smuggling
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess "Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" "Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
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Lawyers rewards
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the Priest, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?" "I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer, "People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."
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Mix Up at the Hospit
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!""Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
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Un alto funcionario del Fondo
Un alto funcionario del Fondo Monetario Internacional est� por llegar a un pa�s latinoamericano a revisar cuentas fiscales. Era un d�a lluvioso, y el Presidente y su Ministro de Econom�a estaban en el aeropuerto a su espera. Ambos decidieron subirse las botamangas de sus pantalones para evitar moj�rselos. El avi�n desciende y ambos emprenden su marcha hacia el pie de la escalerilla para saludar al visitante. En ese momento el Ministro de Econom�a nota que el Presidente no volvi� a su lugar las botamangas de su pantanl�n:
"Se�or Presidente, ya viene el funcionario. B�jase los pantalones."
"�Tanto le debemos?"
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Husbands are like cars. . .
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, 'My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.' The second said, 'Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.' The third said, 'Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.'
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Servicing Gas
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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The Top 10 Surprises in Hilary Clinton's Lawyers' Notes
10.Keeps confusing Paula Jones with John Paul Jones.
9.Close friends with Siegfried, hardly speaks to Roy.
8.Wants to rename the US "Hilaryland."
7.Favorite book: "How to Get Along With Everyone," by Marge Shott.
6.The Health Care Plan? Roger's.
5.Has never seen identifying marks in Bill's pants.
4.Chelsea originally named "Socks."
3.Also requested women from Arkansas State Troopers.
2.Keeps Bill's genitals in a little glass jar on her dresser.
1.Loves cattle; hates Flowers.
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