Jokes | Random joke
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COMPUTER LAB
Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream 'Oh
my God! They've found me!' and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to your neighbor that you can't get
the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off
again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the Smurfs theme song and play it at the highest
volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on
the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say 'Just
in case' mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything
bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy
while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then,
pull a disk out of your fly and say, 'Oops, I forgot.'
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
'Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,' and scream 'YES!' when it finishes.
DISK FIGHT!
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you
know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting
the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing 'The Lion Sleeps
Tonight' whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, and tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 inch disk drive, and when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling
Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days
later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a
while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, and look at the person next to
you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let
them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
linger.
Take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your
neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and
loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them
of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the
monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this.
Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, then shout, 'you will all perish in flames!' and continue
working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key
is F sharp, etc.) Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire
paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying 'Excuse me, mind if I
borrow this for a sec?' unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old
ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see
that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't
affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: 'Does *your* delete key
work?' Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep
doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then,
suddenly exclaim: 'well, what do ya know? I've been hitting the space bar this
whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!' Print out your document and
leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at the your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing,
and say 'You did that?' loudly. Keep laughing; grab your stuff and leave,
howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
'COVEEEEERRRRRR!' Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and
say. 'Oh, good, it worked this time,' and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like
you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out
you're a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend
it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't
work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in
your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
'You're such a marvel!' and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence.
As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout 'Armageddon is here!' then calmly sit down
and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that
baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, 'Give me that computer
or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week.'
Two words: Tesla Coil. (Tesla Coil: an air-core transformer used to produce
high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.)
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Wedding a Virgin
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly."Why the jelly," she asks him?"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies."Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!"
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When you kick off
Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his
grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.
'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football
team.'
'What are? You talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play
football.'
'Oh,' said the little. Boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you
kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'
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Mens Endowments
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.
The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean...
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,
we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching
magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
- Kristian Wilson, CEO, Nintendo Gaming Corporation, Inc, 1989
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Ascroft Visits an Elementary School
Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the
typical civics presentation, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can
all ask me questions now."
A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions: 1.
How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using
the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S.
caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.
Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.
Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can
all ask me questions."
A young girl raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions: 1. How did
Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA
Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught
Osama Bin Laden yet? 4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? 5. Where's
Bobby?"
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The Blond and The Irishman
A blond and an Irish man are casully having a conversation when
the blond notices that the Irishman has a sticker on his left
foot with a "L" printed on it and a sticker on his right foot
with an "R" on it.
When inquiring about this the Irishman replies, "It's so I can
tell my left from my right"
After a few minutes silence the blond says, "Oooohhhh that's why
I have C & A printed in my knickers!"
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I Need A Drink!
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by the your appearance that you'll be able to pay for it."
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything smaller?"
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Unwilling Part in a Play
Johnny was made to take a part in his school play in order to
get a passing grade on his report card. Johnny stressed several
times that he could not remember the lines asigned to him to
recite. The night of the play came around and he again stressed
that he could not remember the lines he was to perform.
As his turn grew ever closer he studied his lines over and over
with little success in remembering them. Here is what Johnny was
supposed to recite. "Oh you alabaster witch, with turquoise eyes
and ruby lips, how you make my heart twitch, Shakespeare!"
As Johnny walked onto stage and saw the crowd looking intensely
at him his lines once again slipped from his mind. Here is what
he said. "Oh you Alabama Bitch, with turkey eyes and rubber
tits, how you make my asshole twitch, snake shit, bat shit, rat
shit, didn't want to do this fucking play anyway."
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The Top 15 Rejected Department of Homeland Security Slogans
15> Homeland Security: Taste the Rainbow
14> We're Watching You, Commie
13> So Many Colors, So Little Time
12> We'll Watch Over You Like a Big Brother
11> The Stealthy, Sneaky, Privacy-Invading Alert-Issuing Hide-Under-Your-Bed-While-Bush-Bombs-Iraq Agency
10> Now With 20 Percent Fewer Constitutional Freedoms!
9> Don't Be Afraid of a Terrorist Iraqi -- Just Move to Canada and Learn to Play Hockey!
8> Pay No Attention to the Economy Behind the Curtain!
7> Orange You Glad We Didn't Say "Red"?
6> Whoa, That Bill Clinton Sure Was a Randy Son of a Gun!
5> Dude, Where's Your Duct Tape?
4> Be Prepared. Wear Brown Pants.
3> Now With Color-Coded Garanimals Threat Charts!
2> Shhhh!!! We're Hunting Wabbits.
1> Holy Shit!! What Was THAT!!!???
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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Bengals Anthrax Scare
The Cincinnati Bengals� football practice was delayed today for several hours after one of the players noticed a suspicious-looking, unknown, white, powdery substance on the playing field. Head coach Marvin Lewis immediately suspended practice, and the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents determined that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
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