Jokes | Random joke
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3 Blondes Were Walking in the Forest
3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks".
The secondblonde said, "I think they're dog tracks".
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks".
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Death is
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it. History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. It works better if you plug it in.
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Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
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Blonde at Best Buy
A blonde goes to Best Buy and looks at the TVs. An employee
comes over and asks if she needs help. The blonde replies, "Yes,
I would like to you to show me what all these buttons do." The
employee cringes at her dumbness, but he remembers that she is,
after all, a blonde, and shows her the buttons.
He begins, "This is the volume button. It makes the sound louder
or softer. This is the channels button. It changes the channels.
And this is the power button. It turns the TV off or on..." The
blonde interrupts, "But what if I'm trying to turn the TV off
and it turns it on instead?"
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Un d�a iban saliendo seis
Un d�a iban saliendo seis marineros en un barco del Muelle Nacional, pero les hacia falta uno mas as� que decidieron llamar a Pedro.
Al rato lleg� Pedro y por fin pudieron salir en su traves�a. Al d�a siguiente de haber salido, Pedro llama al capit�n aparte y le pregunta:
"Capit�n, Capit�n Necesito decirle algo."
"Que es dime", contesta el capit�n.
"Lo que pasa es que la traves�a va a ser muy larga y estaba pensando que no podr� tener sexo, y eso me va a matar capit�n, como hago, porque mi pito se me va a morir."
"No te preocupes Pedro nosotros no somos tan tontos, hace mucho tiempo nos dimos cuenta de ese problema y ya lo hemos solucionado. Mira Pedro �ves aquel barril que est� all�? Bueno, ese barril tiene un agujero por la parte trasera y nosotros cuando no resistimos, cogemos el barril y le metemos el pito por el agujero. Pero hay un problema Pedro, puedes mamarte el barril las veces que quieras, a la hora que quieras, menos los Jueves �ok?"
"Bueno, Capit�n, pero, �por qu� los jueves? �qu� pasa los jueves, Capitan? �por qu� no puedo mamar me al barril los jueves?"
"No Pedro, es que los jueves te toca a ti dentro del barril."
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3rd prize
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize, a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?""
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then said, "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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Now he's in trouble
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?"To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."
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Catholic School Math
A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.
His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.
His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.
They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boy's math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.
His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. "Was it better teaching" they asked and the boy said "No the teachers are about the same". "Was it a different text book?" Again the boy said "No it is the same text book"
Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.
The boy said "the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences."
Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.
The boy answered "the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign."
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Things to Do at the Funeral of Somebody You Didn't
1. Tell the widow you're sure you saw him move.
2. Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow
a fraud.
3. Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead.
4. Sign the deceased's name in the guest register.
5. Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the
coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can't get
the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are
dead.
6. Bring a shovel to the church.
7. Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him.
8. Put waxed lips on the body.
9. Ask the widow how long she's been sure he's dead.
10. Tell the widow alot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled
anyway.
11. Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says "I'd rather be
breathing."
12. Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating.
13. Tell the deceased's mother that you never expected them to
go in this order.
14. Put a parking ticket on the coffin.
15. Clam on the body.
16. Ask the widow if she's going to ride to the cemetery with
the body.
17. Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they
kneel in front of the body.
18. Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased.
19. Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is
appropriate to sign the coffin.
20. Ask the widow if you can take a finger.
21. Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, "I'll bet this is
costing you a pretty penny."
22. Ask the deceased's mother what she was doing when she got
the news.
23. Tell the widow that the body doesn't look comfortable.
24. Ask the widow if she's aware of any job openings.
25. Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and
the deceased.
26. Tell the widow you think he'd look better on his side.
27. Tell the widow you suspect foul play.
28. Keep trying to French kiss the widow.
29. Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the
deceased.
30. Put a lit cigarette in the deceased's mouth.
31. Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.
32. Wear a "Grateful Dead" t-shirt to the wake.
33. Read this list to the mourners.
34. Put a check to the deceased's favorite charity in the coffin.
35. Sing "Tea For One" at the church.
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Tres se�oras est�n charlando y
Tres se�oras est�n charlando y tomando caf�. Una de ellas comenta:
"Mi hijo es sacerdote y cuando alguien va a la iglesia le dicen: �Ay, padre!"
Otra de las se�oras no se queda callada y afirma:
"Ah, s�, pues mi hijo es uno de los seleccionados para ser Papa y cuando lo ven le dicen: �Ay, se�or!"
La tercer mujer no resiste, se para y les presume a las otras dos:
"�Ah, s�, pues mi hijo hace strip-tease y cuando lo ven le gritan: �Ay, Dios m�o!"
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He shouldn't have asked!
MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
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