Jokes | Random joke
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Genetic Tendency
A man went to the Doctor because he wasn't feeling himself today. When he went the doctor said well I have good news and bad news.Man: What's the bad news? Dr: The bad news is that u have a chance of being a homosexual. Man: Ok doctor, now what can possibly be the good news? Dr: I think you're kinda cute.
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Bad dog
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point, started going on the mans leg.
As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I know what end to kick."
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Proud Of Daddy
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Gift Buying Rules For Men...
Gift Buying Rules For Men
Print this out and leave laying around where those of the Female
persuasion can see it.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can
I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch
socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little
picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and
flips....
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of
weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, ParrLumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts
and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't
matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line
leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Seahawks game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why.
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Redneck quickies 14
You might be a redneck if...
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
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Cuatro amigos de la universidad
Cuatro amigos de la universidad se fueron a parrandear fuera de la ciudad el fin de semana antes de los ex�menes finales. Despu�s de tanta fiesta, durmieron todo el domingo y regresaron a la ciudad el lunes por la ma�ana. No entraron al examen final y en cambio por la tarde buscaron al profesor y le explicaron su ausencia:
"Lo que pas� es que nos fuimos de viaje el fin de semana y plane�bamos estar de regreso el domingo para estudiar. Pero, desafortunadamente, se nos pinch� una llanta cuando ven�amos de regreso. Como no ten�amos herramientas y nadie nos quiso ayudar, perdimos el examen."
El profesor lo pens� y acord� hacerles el examen final al d�a siguiente. Felices, los cuatro amigos estudiaron toda la noche y llegaron al d�a siguiente a hacer el examen. El profesor los puso en salones separados y les reparti� a cada uno el cuestionario.
El primer problema val�a 5 puntos y era muy f�cil, sobre la historia del mercadeo.
Los cuatro amigos respondieron r�pidamente, cada uno en su sal�n separado, pensando "Esto va a estar muy f�cil".
Cuando terminaron el problema, voltearon la p�gina para leer el segundo problema, que dec�a:
"Por 95 puntos, �cu�l llanta fue la que se les pinch�?"
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Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
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Sintomatolog�a t�pica ocasionada por el
Sintomatolog�a t�pica ocasionada por el consumo de cerveza
(Gu�a pr�ctica de reconocimiento y resoluci�n)
S�ntoma: Pies fr�os y h�medos.
Causa: El vaso est� siendo agarrado en �ngulo incorrecto.
Soluci�n: Gire el vaso hasta que la parte abierta est� hacia arriba.
S�ntoma: Pies calientes y mojados.
Causa: Ud. se ha orinado.
Soluci�n: Vaya a secarse al ba�o m�s pr�ximo.
S�ntoma: La pared de enfrente est� llena de focos.
Causa: Se ha ca�do de espaldas al suelo.
Soluci�n: Ubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.
S�ntoma: Su boca est� llena de colillas de cigarrillos.
Causa 1: Ud. se cay� de cara al suelo.
Causa 2: Ud. meti� la cara en el cenicero.
Soluci�n: Reubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.
S�ntoma: El suelo est� borroso.
Causa: Ud. est� mirando a trav�s del fondo de un vaso vac�o.
Soluci�n: Compre otra cerveza.
S�ntoma: La gente habla produciendo un misterioso eco.
Causa: Tiene la jarra de cerveza en la oreja.
Soluci�n: Deje de hacerse el payaso.
S�ntoma: El escusado es de oro.
Causa: Se est� usted orinando en el saxof�n.
Soluci�n: Pida disculpas al m�sico y l�rguese.
S�ntoma: Reflejo m�ltiple de caras en el agua del vaso o sanitario.
Causa: Est� intentando vomitar.
Soluci�n: M�tase el dedo (en la garganta).
S�ntoma: La sala qued� completamente a oscuras.
Causa: El bar cerr�.
Soluci�n: Pregunte al camarero la direcci�n de su casa.
S�ntoma: El suelo se est� moviendo.
Causa: Est� siendo cargado o arrastrado.
Soluci�n: Pregunte si le est�n llevando a otro bar.
S�ntoma: Todo a su alrededor se est� moviendo mucho.
Causa: Est� en un coche.
Soluci�n: Pida que le lleven a casa.
S�ntoma: El chofer del taxi es un elefante rosado.
Causa: Ud. bebi� much�simo.
Soluci�n: Pida al elefante que le lleve al hospital m�s cercano.
S�ntoma: La discoteca se mueve mucho y la m�sica es muy repetitiva.
Causa: Est� en una ambulancia.
Soluci�n: No moverse; posible coma et�lico.
S�ntoma: Un enorme foco de la discoteca le ciega la vista.
Causa: Est� usted en la calle y ya es de d�a.
Soluci�n: Ir a dormir la mona a su casa.
S�ntoma: No tiene hijos y su mujer tiene 60 a�os.
Causa: Se equivoc� de portal.
Soluci�n: Suba un piso m�s y vaya a dormir a su casa.
S�ntoma: Su amigo no le hace caso.
Causa: Est� hablando con un buz�n de correos.
Soluci�n: Busque a su amigo para que le lleve a casa.
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Help me Doc!
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't! I didn't!
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Outsmarting the Boss
A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, "You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it."
So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.
The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, "I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?"
To which our young friend replied, "Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!"
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And another day in Eden...
�And God created Adam and Eve�
On yet another day in Eden, God decided to take a casual stroll away from his more-or-less successful creations�he didn�t get very far before being interrupted once again by the individuals created �in his likeness��theoretically anyway. The stampede of footsteps behind him signaled the arrival of the two �perfect� creations.
�Father! Eve�s breaking one of the Commandments again!�
God wearily wondered whether there were any of the one thousand two hundred and sixty four Commandments that had not yet been broken by those two�perhaps the last one: �Thou shalt not, in thine own conceit, force others to hear tired, old jokes, over and over again.� However, Adam�s facial expression indicated a transgression of a far worse caliber.
�Father, tell Eve that you commanded us to walk around naked and unabashed! She�s not following the rules, she�s wearing UNDERWEAR!� Adam squealed.
�So? There�s nothing wrong with it! Besides, you should consider covering up that �ding-dong� of yours, all the apes make fun of you!� Eve retorted.
�I am superior to them in every aspect!�
God raised an incredulous eyebrow.
�Dad� Adam pressed, �Tell her you created me to be dominant in that aspect too!�
God considered this for a moment, thinking back to the creation of all his creatures. Finally, he responded,
�Well, I suppose I disregarded that tiny detail�I did give you a bigger brain though.�
�Brain? Who needs a brain? I need my �banana� to be this loooong!�
�Daddy, he just wants to be bigger than Joe Ape, hehehe�Once Joe showed him his �ding-dong� and Adam�s eyes bugged out in surprise, and envy�� Eve chimed in.
�Liar! I just got something in my eye!�
�And since then, he�s been trying to compensate for it by boasting to Joe �I got to shave first, and then I drank half a bottle of that water in Father�s cabinet and didn�t even feel tipsy when returning to the cave��
�Ah, so that�s where all my good Old Spice has been disappearing to�.� God mumbled to himself.
�Tattletale! Besides, how do you know what I talk to Joe about? You probably wear that underwear to impress him! Soon you�ll start wearing a BRA! You�re dressing like�like� like a slut!� Adam rebutted.
�Slut? There�s no such word! You just made it up! Besides, it wasn�t me trying to impress him by saying �I reproduced FIVE times last night!� You wish you could, you erotomaniac-wannabe. You�ve never gone more than three!�
God could feel his blood pressure rising, despite his doctor�s warnings about stress and hypertension�
�Erotomaniac? Now you made up a word! Besides, I just eat too much at dinner and my blood is redirected to improper places��
�Excuses, excuses. Wrong place here, wrong timing there�you could at least try to be more creative�� Eve continued.
God, heeding his doctor�s advice pulled out a vial and with a shaking hand placed a nitroglycerin pill under his tongue. He then sighed with relief, and with a few well-placed smacks on the butt effectively stopped the argument. He then prophesied, �I promise you, for the first two thousand years, all Eves will wear more and more progressively, then for the next two thousand they shall, in their vanity, gradually undress to impress all average Joe Apes, and so it shall continue until judgement day. And all Adams shall value not their brains, but their �ding-dongs� and compare their size with every Joe Ape��
-Thus far, the prophecy hasn�t failed yet�
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Irish DUI
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.'' ''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
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The Procrastinator's Creed.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
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Movie dog
A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says:
"I�m sorry to bother you, but I couldn�t help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don�t you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I find it very unusual... He hated the book!"
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Three little boys
Three little boys went out to play in the snow and make snowmen.
The first boy came in after just a few minutes. His mother asked him if he
was finished with his snowman already. He answered that he had made a Superman
snow man and it was easy, because he just had to add a cape.
The second boy came in after about an hour, so his mother asked him why it
took him so long. He answered that he had made a Harry Potter snowman, and that
it took a while to find a pair of glasses.
The third boy was out in the yard all day; in fact, he missed dinner. When he
finally came in, it was after dark, and his mother asked why it had taken him so
long. He answered that he had made a president George W. Bush snowman and that
it had taken a lot longer than he thought to hollow out his head.
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