Jokes | Random joke
Old and 18 yr old
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
"Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"
"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
All the way
Yesterday, i went all the way, not with my girl friend but with
a girl that i never meet. She was very nice, very cute but a
very nasty person. She told me that the only way we would have
sex is that if i meet her parents. So i agreed... we went to her
dads house. It was ok but not the best after we got back form
her dads house, we did it so that is how we had sex. haha
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.
It's a "Guy Thing".........
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."
"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor.
The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."
One-day bush went to chemist shop and ask for a rubber...
shopkeeper. Its only 2 cents
bush.ok, give me 1...and bush opens the jar and took one chwinggum into his
mouth...the shop keeper said hay bush can u return me the rubber after using
Shopkeeper. I will make chewing gums with that.
What women say (and are thinking)
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.... without you in it.DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?We haven't had a fight in a while.NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... you cheap slob!I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?I can't believe you have nothing planned.I LIKE YOU, BUT...I don't like you.OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... just not in that way.I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE....I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF....I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
The Al Gore Story
Good afternoon all. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you a
little about myself.
I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a
poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I
was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught
myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers
and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi
River steamboat. Frequently we would stop the ship and I would
cut and split five cords of wood for fuel overnight for the
My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I
would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a
mischievous, fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one
day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for
Back then, we Jewish black folks in the south were second-class
citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I
asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee
civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an
impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King,
My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his
knee and said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama,
someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to
an exclusive prep school." As a young Hindu boy, these were very
valuable lessons. But life of privilege was not for me.
Being Chinese, after getting my high school diploma, I took a
job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the
treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later,
that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my
close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae."
When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done,
Harvard University called and offered me a scholarship. I
captained the hockey team to four consecutive national
championships, but I also played football and was good enough to
win the Heisman Trophy.
During my college years, I lived in a housing project and
moonlighted writing songs and playing lead guitar for a little
rock band. You may have heard of us - The Rolling Stones. I'm
the one with the lips.
But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my
country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I
was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier
and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de
Guerre. My battlefield expertise is current requisite reading
material for Officers Candidates to this very day. My being a
wounded female officer serving in disguise as a journalist was a
full time project, but my military knowledge helped save tens of
thousands of lives. Many cities in Southeast Asia are named
after me to this very day. Statues of me are still commonplace
in many official Government buildings in Viet Nam.
When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of
ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the
mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've
been everywhere. I've hunted all the dangerous species of big
game in five continents using only a handmade spear or my
handmade laser sighted compound bow.
And the people I met at truck stops and campgrounds and homeless
shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need
you in Washington."
I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some
other business---building the World Trade Center, finding a low
cost, more reliable nuclear weapon trigger design, founding the
Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking
caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's
chocolate chip cookies. I was, in fact, the third (still silent)
partner of Ben & Jerry with over half of the flavors personally
developed by Tipper and me in our own kitchen.
My extensive knowledge of Arctic Sea life keeps me busy in the
research laboratory, but those endangered species need love too!
Translating the dead sea scrolls is one of my favorite hobbies,
and my current volume is in print in over 73 languages and is
being studied in Seminaries worldwide. Being Indian, both Native
American and the Mid East kind, this is valuable experience for
me. Have towel and Tee Pee, will travel.
Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee
and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and
the Senate. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for
no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once
again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the
I also invented the Internet. Since then, I've been part of the
most successful administration in American history. My friend,
Bill Gates has asked me many times why I gave him the ideas of
software development and asked for no money. Gosh, it just
wouldn't be right!
Many times President Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave
decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him
my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's
brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?" During the darkest days
of the impeachment battles, the President told me he only wished
he had listened when I told him to stay away form that
dark-haired intern with the big hooters.
So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and
asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my
campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of
advice-words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he
said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked well for me."
Thanks, I'm Al Gore and I want to be your next President. You
can trust and believe me.
Ways to be annoying in computer labs
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
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