Jokes | Random joke
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PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN!!!
PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN!!!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to
see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman dig! s into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
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Divine Guidance?
This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice, "There are no fish under the ice there."
The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back, "There are no fish under the ice there!"
"Wow!", thinks the dude to himself, "Wow, God is giving me guidance."
So he once again starts to carve away at another part of the ice. He hears the bellowing voice, "Sir this is the rink manager, and there are no fish under the ice anywhere."
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Chicken farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office, telling him she needs to file her taxes for the financial year.
"Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.
Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation. "What are you working as at the moment?" he asks.
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass!
Let's try to rephrase that."
"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"
"No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"
They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant is dumbstruck. "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
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A Visit to the Marriage Counselor
A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a couselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marraige couselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fuck up.
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Power Word to Increase Sales
The manager of a ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give
one her sales clerks a little talk. "Alice, your figures are
well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you
can improve your record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you
go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Alice. "Can you give me any
advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds
silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a
dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had
particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales
pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the
results."
Sure enough, Alice's sales figures went way up, and at the end
of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated
her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Alice nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right
word, but I did: 'fantastic.'"
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly.
"How've you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her
little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep
school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me
how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most
popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought
$300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a
formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she
was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she
had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband
makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought
the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I
keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Alice," complimented her boss. "Just as a point
of interest, what did you say to customers before you discovered
your power word?"
Alice shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a damn?'"
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What and who am I?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
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Resumania II
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreasheet progroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit
a job."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
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Life of an Egg
So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
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Misguided
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the
third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
"We're lost!" One of the hikers complained.
"And you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, " but I think we may have wandered into Canada."'
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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing...
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened
it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head
over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious
beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a
booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't
believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just
seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well,"
said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't
work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the
monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The
atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness
Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the
ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws
together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously
provided"
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New Rolls-Royce
An old man uses his life's savings to buy a Rolls-Royce.
The salesman explains how the old man has to start the car, warm the car, fill the car and handle the car.
Overwhelmed, the man drives off, and a mile down the road, the car stalls.
A truck pulls up, and a young man gets out to help. He checks under the hood for the old man.
"I found it," the young man eventually calls out. "Just crap in the carburetor."
The old man groans, "I have to do that too?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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Horse call
A wife slapped her husband around the face after discovering a piece of paper in his jacket pocket with the name Jo-anne written on it.
He protested: "It was the name of a horse I bet on yesterday."
The following day she slapped him again.
"What was that for?" he said.
"Your horse called today!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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