Jokes | Random joke
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A young man was lost wandering in a forest...
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
... "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In
a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." -
Contagious
A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious, she asks the class if they could explain what the word means. She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, "My Mom says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious." The teacher says, "That is very good Joe." Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was Contagious." And the teacher says, "Excellent Suzie." Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, "Yes Johnny," she says. Johnny says, "The other day me and my Dad were sitting around and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little stokes up and down the fence." My Dad says to me, "Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."
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God!
One late evening while the family was at church, a man was breaking into
their home, he went into the bedroom stealing everything he could get his
hands on. As soon as he entered the living room he heard a voice "God is
going to get you!" "God is going to get you!" He pulled out his flashlight
and shined it on this big bird. Well the man did not pay any mind to the
bird and kept on loading up his bag.
He was loading that bag from left to right. Again he heard that voice "God
is going to get you!" "God is going to get you!" He walked over to the
cage and told the bird to shut up! As soon as he put his hand on the door
knob of the backdoor he heard a different noise. It was not the bird but a
growing sort of noise, He shined the flashlight up and saw this GREAT BIG
DOG! And the bird yelled "GET HIM GOD!"
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Y2K Program
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will
be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application
Software System' (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We
will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an
opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking
aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This
restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked
into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose
buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put
anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she
admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to
doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.
In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a
supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It
will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond,
'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
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Two Italians and a Pollock go into a bar....
Two Italians and a Pollock go into a bar. The Pollock doesn't have a
girlfriend and the Italians feel sorry for him. They explain to him
that if he studies their moves, he'll be able to pick up women.
So the first Italian walks up to this blonde chick and goes,"Hey
baby, ya' wanna' leave here?"
She goes,"I'd love to-but we can't go to my house. My parents will
kill me if they see me with you."
He goes,"That's okay. We'll go to my house," and they leave.
The second Italian says,"That's nothing. Watch me in action and
learn!"
So he walks up to some blonde and says,"Hey baby, ya' wanna' leave
here?"
She replies,"I'd love to-but we can't go to my house. My husband
will kill me if he sees me with you."
He says,"That's okay. We'll go to my house," and they leave.
Now the Pollock's alone and he says to himself,"I think this looks
pretty easy. I think I'll try it."
So the Pollock walks up to this brunette and says,"Hey baby, how do
ya' wanna' leave here?"
She goes,"I'd love to-but I can't. I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's okay. We'll go on my moped."
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Drink For The Women
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress
walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all
the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man Out there will buy a lady a
drink?'
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and
says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a Drink.'
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points
around at all of them, again revealing the hairy Armpit, saying,
'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the
barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little
drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
To which, the drunken replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.
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Twas the Night Before Christmas...
'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
''Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!''
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
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3 CrAzY deaths
These 3 guys were in heaven and jesus was only taking the worst deaths so everyone had to tell them how they died.
Guy #1
I suspected my wife was cheating on me so i went to her apartment and saw a guy hanging over the balcony, so i started hammering his fingers and when he finally fell i threw a refrigerator on him. Then i was so mad that my wife had cheated on me that i commited suicide. Thats how i died.
Guy #2
I was doing my daily arobics on the balcony when all the sudden i fell. i was on the edge of the balcony i was hoping someone would save me...the suddenly this crazy man started banging my fingers with a hammer. Then i fell and he threw a refrigerator on me! Thats how i died.
Guy #3
I was naked in the refrigerator!
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The kind lawyer!
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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Help stories from Tech Support
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.
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